One year on....

I love the above photo of Jacob.

It's very special.

Not in a photographically perfect way you understand, it's far from 'pin sharp' or clear, but it's perfect because it's the very last photo I ever took of him.

It captures everything about him in one single shot. Friendly, happy, ever the accomplished hunter, constantly always looking to please.

That was Jacob. This photo is him.

A year has passed, and we have arrived to his one year missing anniversary.

I hate that word, an anniversary makes one think of a joyous occasion, a day of marked celebratory cheer, so can someone please tell me, how can a language so brilliantly complex as the the English language not have another word to mark the date of something that isn't necessarily a day of celebration I will never know.

All said and done, we are finding it harder to actually believe that we haven't seen our boy for that length of time.

I don't wish the months that we've just endured back don;t get me wrong, not ever will I wish for that, but I do wish I could rewind time enough to the 21st Jan 09 and allow us to make the things that happened that fateful day disappear in a puff of smoke.

(If that is the case, then I would also like to take a look at what did occur to him after he went off that fateful day..... but just so long as we can still rewind you understand)

I wish too that I knew he was safe, that he didn't perish to death or die at the hands of a reckless sharp shooter out on a days hunting thinking he was a deer.

I just wish I knew his fete, whatever it was or is.

Sadly there is no way of knowing, and no matter how much it torments us (and believe me it does) we still to this day will not let it rest, and still continue to alert people to him being missing .

I guess actually we always will live out some hope of us being reunited. It can and does happen to some fortunate souls.

As for marking the occasion, what can we do other than light the day with hope.

There's no box of ashes, no little marble stone to say 'he is here'.

Sometimes we feel that would be easier, but then we think that by putting him a wooden box (so to speak) we thoroughly extinguish the hopes of a phone call saying he has been found one day.

These renowned 'rose tinted glasses' that I wear sometimes give rise to thoughts (and hopes) that someone, somewhere finally has a conscious, finds his home address, and sits him on the doorstep overnight saying they have had him for a year, "Thank You very much, but here he is back, we're done".

That would be the best way to mark a year long "anniversary" and then at least we could happily use the word as it surely should have been intended for....for a celebration of life.

Wherever you are Jacob, stay safe, behave yourself, and know we think of you each and every day without fail.

We miss you more than you'll ever know.

Brotherly love

Jacob

Gerrard

The last few months have reared some strange happenings.

Not necessarily Jacob orientated sadly, but related to him in other ways, quite literally.

We were advised about a Bracco needing rescue through a posting on a rescue co-ordinaters forum, someone asking for help in how to rehome a dog, and through a few weeks of contacting necessary parties we found ourselves collecting Gerrard another Bracco from a park in Croydon.

The first week of correspondance, we found ourselves wondering if this dog could actually be Jacob, our excitement was heightened, so you can only imagine the intensity of feelings....

but no, this was not him, but as fete has a hand in making things emotionally driven, it was found that the Bracco in question was actually Jacob's litter Brother, who we knew as Dennis back 4 years earlier. How coincidental, it was like he was sent to us, for help and for love, of which he was offered both with open arms.

A wonderful boy whose presence was charming and for what he had been through, he was as solid as a rock, with a heart that just wanted to give and receive loving.

A testament to his breed (and breeding) he is a lovely boy, and definitely has the 'woof factor' in bucket loads.

Sadly as hard as we tried, a testosterone fueled house of 4 entire males was not to work, and we had to resign ourselves that Gerrard was not to stay with us here in Essex.

As broken hearted as we were to have to let him go on to pastures new, we knew were relieved to know he has gone to a wonderful loving and caring home with friends of ours who already have a Bracco girl. Already we know he is settled and is absolutely loved to pieces.

He has well and truly landed on his feet and found his forever home.

A happy ending for Gerrard, yes, a sad for one for us, but we revel happy knowing he is safe and warm, and much doted on. He will truly flourish now.

As for us, we are finding the winter months a hefty reminder of the past year, back in January when Jacob went missing.

I don't know why, but the spring and summer months meant that you were thinking in a different environment, maybe it's one that you feel a dog out there alone could survive in, whereas harsh winter evenings, and frost, and rain means a whole different ending altogether.

I still won't believe he could be roaming the woods and fields, that wouldn't be happening now and probably didn't occur a year ago almost, but your mind does know how to play tricks, and thought processes are mixed on what you actually believe happened.

I have a different view every day.

We have had some wonderful coverage in the Telegraph, along with the great work that Doglost have done and still do on behalf of us owners with dogs that are missing.

We had a photo of Jacob and some of his plight mentioned by their reporter.

A great accomplishment, and we are ever Thankful to Chris, but this article is one which sadly has not bared any fruit as far as phone calls are concerned.

Kind of leaves the avenues to explore a little thinner, what we can do now I really don't know.

We of course never stop wondering where our boy can be, but I guess that will always, always haunt us.

We feel for Ffion and Tim, they have come back from a wonderful trip to South Africa, only to stumble upon Skys missing anniversary a day or two later. I am so sad for them, I wish (WISH) I could right this wrong for us both, but I don't know how or what else I can do. I can only always be there for them as they have for us, and offer Ffion a comfy couch for her (our) 'therapy'.

Ffion is right in saying that there are do-gooders who 'rescue' missing dogs, and feel they have done a wonderful thing taking them into their homes, and not reporting the fact.

I'm torn as to how I feel about the part they play in this situation, as much as i'm happy that they feel they can offer some warmth, food and a cuddle, i'm upset that we as their owners suffer as a result of their kidnap, albeit they are hopefully not coming to any harm.

We are the ones coming to harm by mentally suffering the anguish and the worry.

When I look at Pascha our Bracco puppy, see him playing with his toys and being, well puppyish, devilish, cute beyond words, it's a gentle reminder of what is lost and what was had in Jacob.

Once he was here and just the same as Pascha, growing up loved and cherished, enjoying being part of our lives. Then wham, he is gone.

People have told us to let go of him now, set him free, and I guess this far on you have to quietly move on and have him on your mind but not at the forefront, it's true it's essential to somewhat move on, otherwise you would suffer.

But there is that little fire burning still, a flame that flickers that is there in hope that one day we can be reunited, there will be a phone call, or a knock at the door, someone knowing what has happened, or better still our boy, on the end of a lead with a waggy tail and shoulder hug ready to give.

I know what I will be wishing for......

Happy Christmas to everyone who has followed Jacob's blog, and a huge Thank You also to everyone who has offered help, both physically and mentally. You know who you all are.

Without you we wouldn't have had half the media coverage, support and searches.

To everyone who called us in hope they had seen Jacob, Thank You also.

To the person who knows something or has Jacob, but is holding back, well, if only you know the hurt and the pain you have caused, HOWEVER, for the chance of being reunited, we would forgive anything, not a question asked .... it's never to late to right a wrong.

Where sleeping dogs lie.....

It's been a terribly quiet month, well apart from a lead about a dog that was supposedly a Bracco on a narrowboat called Max, that sadly transpired after 2 weeks of heart in mouth anticipation to be a Rough Coated Lurcher called Max.
I can't tell you, if you haven't been in these rather hard and uncomfortable "lost dog" shoes we are unfortunate enough to be wearing, you just wouldn't begin to believe what this leap of hope can do to you.
You lay awake at night and turn the events of a sighting or information over and over in your head, dissecting it piece by pieces for clues or what ifs.
The whole narrowboat Bracco of course had us thinking it was definitely going to be him as of course he had (in our minds) travelled up to Cambridge, along the canal to Ely, and further onwards having a great adventure until he was moored for the winter in Leeds.
Of course, none of that is even vaguely true, but in the dead of the night, things go through your head and you do believe it could, just could be true.

I don't get how this dog could possibly be seen or named as a Bracco though and as such I still worry about it. But a kind Spinone friend checked this out for us, and I know he can be trusted 100% and was even 'Sherlock' enough to show pics of the dog. Definitely a Rough Coated Lurcher. Damn it :-((

I was saying to Jon yesterday how I'm finding walking the dogs hard this time of year, especially now the weather is going back full circle to the winter months, the same cold, damp weather when Jacob went off.
The spring and the summer have gone, and now before we know it we are heading for Christmas and then onwards will come the dreaded anniversary 21st Jan 2010
I know it will come soon, and it's going to be hard to have that day come round once again.

I wish more than anything that someone will put Jacob on our doorstep on Christmas Eve with a big red bow round his head, saying they couldn't deprive him our love any more, and here he is, Merry Christmas.
Wouldn't that just be fantastic.

I know too that Ffion and Tim will be approaching their boy Sky's anniversary sooner than us.
I feel for them as I know just how hard this will be for them and the absolute efforts they have put in like us to find their boy.
I say it all the time, but these boys of our, how the hell can they just disappear off the planet I will never, EVER know.

Ffion and I do joke that they have met up around Huntingdon, and are now enjoying some party lifestyle with a couple of lost bitches somewhere.
Silly how you try to make the most out of a bad, bad situation when forced to.
I'm glad I met Ffion and Tim, out of this nightmare they are a good thing to have happened and we gratefully share the psychiatrists couch between us when needed.
There's something soothing about someone else being able to really know what your emotions are feeling, and how your heart breaks at every single sighting.

Will we both or either of us ever see our boys again ?
I wish I could say yes, I desperately want to believe they are out there, somewhere, but I just don't know any more, my heart says believe, my head says bury the worry, bury the angst, bury the desperation and hurt once and for all.....
But I can't, I just want to forever believe that maybe one day, just maybe, a call will come and we will be reunited.
I play that vision over in my head in the dead of the night, when I can't sleep for worrying or wondering. I even have 'written' the blog entry to you all here, telling you how overjoyed we are, and how mad we are for not believing he could make it home.
Hmmm..... I'll leave that cyber blog in my head, leave it on a back burner, somewhere safe, in case I might need it one day.

Most of all right now, as the months roll on, and winter sets us all by the computers a little more especially as the darker nights draw in, I would like to say Thank You to everyone here for their support, their kindness, their little comments and encouragement that really do help us get through each day.
It goes without saying that strength can come in many shapes and forms, and virtual strength for us has been overwhelming. For that I have to Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

Keep believing......
...and we'll continue to do the very same.

Acceptance ??

We've gotten to the stage lately where we just don't know what to do to bring Jacob home.

We seem to have not left any stones unturned ??

We've tried tv, radio, newspapers, emailing, postering half of the Essex/Cambridgeshire countryside, but noone, NOONE seems to have seen Jacob. I dispair.

What does this mean -? I dare not to think about it.

Does someone know more than they are telling - ?

Is there something someone locally hasn't had the courage to tell us ?

As time moves forward, and we head near to the 9 month mark, it seems like we have to accept somewhere in our our hearts that our boy might not emerge from the mist, and make it back to his sofa and blanket.

This hurts....just how can this be, where do you draw the line of accepting this, or dismissing it in order to carry on.

That's the question.....acceptance of the situation.

Trouble is, the whole situation with Jacob is not of the norm is it ?

Rare breed, highly distinguishable dog goes off in a familair territory to him, on a bright crisp morning, then dissappears into thin air, never to be seen again.

Think about it, how can that be ? What's the chances ?

Farmers, farm workers, gamekeepers assure us there is no evidence of death about, and that they would probably have seen it on their travels on foot and in vehicles if he was trapped somewhere or lying dead.

So on that day, that fated day, where did he go, and why, WHY did he not make it home like the one other time he got lost.

That time he was 5 miles from home, in non familiar surroundings, and yet, having ran off after pheasants at midday, he was scraping the door at 3am for his bed.

I don't understand the logic of a dog finding his way home miles from his home, and yet not being able to find his way home on his doorstep.

What occurred out there that day haunts me, will always haunt me.

I want answers, closure of sorts. I don't mind the pain of the truth, the heartache it would bring on us, hell we've been there and done that a hundred times over.

It's some form of closure -

.....to be able to say goodbye knowing the truth.

I wish we knew. This wound desperately needs to heal.

I wish we knew if he was living with someone else, was happy, content with his new life if he is alive.

Could he be alive ?

Why would he not have been returned to us if he was found locally.

Did someone pick him up and he is living locally ? Is he miles away ?

I can't see it, he would have been seen by now, noone can keep a dog quietly unseen for almost 9 months can they -

.....but then.....

Maybe he was picked up, and the microchip is defunct?

Maybe even he was found on the road, and again the chip wasn't scanning ?

Surely any vet would Google the breed and contact the breed society repsonsible for the dog ?

I would be certain they would do, knowing a distressed owner out there would be charging around in order to find their dog.

There are just so many uncertainities, conspiracy theories, and yes, they still play out over and over in my mind if I let them. I try hard not to - but they are there - lurking in the background, waiting to pounce given half the chance.

I just wish we knew what happened. But sadly as more time seperates us, we realise, or is that try to accept, that perhaps this scenario won't have a happy ending after all.

You lose the will to look on the bright side as time fades, as in your minds eye there is no bright side.

We couldn't have done more to find our boy, we rest assured of that, but on the flip side, we can't let it beat us, this whole situation taught us that perserverance is our biggest strength, and with that we carry on, we email, we tell people, we still pass on posters and flyers to everyone we can do, just to reach out to another few people is perhaps another 20 or more who know to look out for him.

Wherever you are Jacob, be that looking down on us, or snoozing on a sofa somewhere, be happy, be loved, you deserve that..... I hope you think of us sometime.

Because we think of you always.

Into the limelight

After a relaxing holiday, where too much time means too much thinking, today we made it home to some fantastic news about Doglost and their publicity encompassing Jacob (and all the other lost dogs out there)
We and our friends, as many of you already know, hold a fundraising party in the Essex countryside, to raise much needed funding for the geneticists at the AHT Newmarket to research canine epilepsy.
It started off small, just a group of friends meeting (as we are located far and wide) and now in it's 2nd summer, the party guests have quadrupled and the breeds attending are many.
Word has spread, and through our involvement and support from Doglost, we decided that due to the fabulous work they do, we would fund raise for them as well as Ollie's Fund this year equally.
Today, the owner of Doglost called to say that she had managed to get some publicity for Doglost, and that the Daily Telegraph newspaper would like to interview her at our fundraising party venue in Saffron Walden, Essex on the 29th August, and come along and see how the dog loving public rally and offer support for their canine counterparts. FANTASTIC !
Doglost hope to be able to achieve a 2 page spread in the 'review' section of the Telegraph, coupled with photographs (and hopefully) using Jacob as their example of a dog still lost, and how we, Joe Public won't let him dissappear without a massive campaign and fight.

I admire so much all that the lengths that the founder of Doglost has gone to to to ensure that 86% of our missing dogs get reunited. I refuse to let others become complacent in thinking it'll never be their nightmare, as quite clearly, looking at the pages of dogs every day on their website, it could be anyone's dog being listed as 'lost'. We have to offer support, it is most definitely the right thing to do to give back a little of what I can only say has been a huge support from all the Doglost volunteers. To see Jacob's profile raised alongside valuable monies being raised, would a great day.

We so want Jacob to become another happy ending, and so by fundraising to keep Doglost alive we can only hope our dream can be realised.

Looking forward to seeing lots of you on Saturday 29th, be good to put some faces to names and to see your lovely dogs having a great time too :-)))

These 4 walls.....

It's been a strange month, trying to get our heads around the whole Jacob things hasn't been easy as you know, but sometimes you feel that you just have to pull yourself together and try as best you can to move in a positive direction, looking forward, not back.
We tried to do this, we went on a fabulous holiday to Cornwall with our 3 Spinoni and our friends and their 3 Spinoni too, it was a great time to get away, and came at a much needed time to escape these four walls, especially at a time where they felt like they were slowly closing in on us.

We came back refreshed, and knowing we just had to get on and deal with the fact that Jacob may well be never seen by us ever again.
Harsh, but true. We have to think in real terms now no matter how draining that is.
Deep down we have this hankering thought that one day, maybe in a year, maybe 3 even, that phone call will come out of the blue, as life has moved on, and this whole scenario is a little more distant, maybe only then will the powers that be allow us to be rewarded for our efforts.
Who knows ?

We've had a few different calls with regards to sightings, all of which has sent our hearts racing like mad, only to be pretty quickly hope dashed.
2 EasyJet security staff spotted a Bracco the same as Jacob, and even went to say hello....they soon got wind of a Bracco being missing through a dog forum, and got in touch. For 2 days we made enquiries through the airport and security as well as our own police, only to finally be told it was a well known Bracco owner there meeting her parents from a flight.
Damn it !

Another call telling us of him possibly being on a campsite in Dorset also came to nothing despite our frantic enquiries.
Yet another call only came in at the weekend, and was via a lady that thought she saw Jacob (and this dog she had heard being called Jacob) at a country show.
Again more enquiries threw up nothing.

As much as we try to move on, little snippets keep Jacob firmly in our thoughts - all good in our eyes, we love nothing more than to know that he is still other peoples minds too., and that they are being vigilant......gives us hope if nothing else that if he is out there, someone will slip up one day.

We had a great time last weekend, seeing friends and their dogs for our 1st Spinoni Swim day, and finally met up with Ffion and Tim who have suffered the same in loss with their missing black Labrador Sky (http://skyisstillmissing.blogspot.com/) both of whom delved in at the deep end (though thankfully not literally!) to help out, Tim assuming chief bbq supervisor (well done Tim :-)) and Ffion on bread roll duty !
It was so good for us to meet up, we've all been there for each other for so long it was as if we've known each other all of our adult lives, and I just know we'll stay friends now.
One good thing to come of our lost dogs I guess is that we got to meet.

I will of course keep this blog updated as and when I have some news, or will just drop in for a quick chat, or to offload thoughts with you all. Please continue as best you can to tell people about our boy being missing, it's word of mouth that really does help.

If anyone has any other ideas we haven't addressed as far as advertising or notifying people about Jacob (and Sky) please do get in touch anytime haggerwoods@aol.com

We always are happy to hear new ideas, anything you feel is valid, please do get in touch.

Meanwhile we will work silently in the background keeping our boys profile high, and continue to campaign for his return to his rightful owners..... US.

P.S Please don't forget our fundraising party on 29th August 2009, whereby we will be raising funds for both Doglost and the Animal Health Trust, Newmarket charity we have in our (sadly now gone) epileptic Spinoni's name. Ollie's Fund for Canine Epilepsy Research raises much needed funds for the sole research into canine epilepsy.
We desperately need to raise funding to help the geneticists continue their work into this rapidly increasing and truly horrific canine disease.
A disease which is savagely taking far too many dogs lives before they even have a chance to begin.

Details of both our charity and the party can be found here
http://www.adoredpaws.com/page24.htm

http://www.aht.org.uk/supporting_appeals.html#ollie

Treading Water

Another few weeks have passed us by, just where does the time go ?

For some reason these days I dread having to update this blog, not in the way of dreading to do the actual task of writing it, but just because there isn't anything new to report, and I just feel sometimes it's all such a let down as I would love nothing more than to write here telling of the joys of reclaiming the love of our lovely boy, him being safely tucked up under his favourite duvet, safe, that's the thing, him being safe.

We don't know if he's safe or not right now, and yesterday we were walking round a local market in the sunshine only to see a huge drove of (what I can only call) unsavouries, causing hassle to a stall holder, him no doubt feeling very much outnumbered by this extended family who were causing trouble.

I looked at these people and thought to myself oh I hope that Jakey doesn't have these kind of people in his life. For one he would be terrified, secondly it would break him as Jacob just didn't do worry very well, and certainly hated being in the bad books of anyone (of which was almost never).

When I think of him being alive, I envisage him cuddled up with a families kids, being walked through a meadow or lovely field, good food in his bowl (any food in his bowl would be good). You just try not to stop and dwell on the flipside of that harmonious vision, the twee all is rosy thoughts do sometimes get positively overpowered by the darker side to this whole scenario. I hate it when I get thinking too much, what's that saying 'curiosity killed the cat'.

We're trying to stay positive, just generally, about the fact that in fact he could be out there somewhere, just sometimes thoughts can pull you in the opposite direction and you have this sudden urge to be over realistic, be too damn thoughtful of the other things that could have happened.

That said I have weighed things up, and actually having gone through the whole motions and the weather, and the fact that Jacob is a 'Jacob' (if you know Bracco you will understand this comment!) - and I think that perhaps yes maybe, he has been picked up by someone early on. The snow and bad weather didn't get to us for some 10 days after he was missing, so although the weather was poor, and very cold prior, it wasn't exactly life threatening (only maybe to a 'Jacob' perhaps). I find it hard to imagine him not going to someone and saying hey, i'm lost, help ! But if someone has him, they are doing a sterling job of his containment, and that in itself is the deciding factor of whether we actually can beleive he is being kept unknowingly.

We can send a thousand emails, poster hundreds of roads, but it doesn't mean every person necessary is reached. That's the worry and why blogs like this and email rallies are essentially the way forward, they each can widen the spread of his being missing that little bit further.

Right now it's all we have, so we are ever thankful to each and every person who offers us help, without you all we'd be more despairing than we already are.

We have to just keep treading this water in the hope that we don't eventually sink.

We try every day to remain positive about the situation, we really do, but deep down inside, it hurts like a gaping wound, it heals slowly, and then opens up and bleeds all over again.

I just hope that wherever Jakey is, he is happy, being treated as he should, and is healthy and safe. Most of all I hope he is as much loved as he should be, he deserves nothing less than that for what he's endured.